I’ve Had This Side Effect Ever Since I Started Taking Tamoxifen

Over the past week and a half or so, I’ve noticed I have this energy building up inside me.  It’s not the get-out-and-do-something type of energy.  No, it’s more than that.  It’s this energy that seems to be sitting there, festering, and boiling.  If I don’t let this energy out somehow, I feel like I’m going to blow.

This feeling is very infrequent, but it happens occasionally since starting Tamoxifen.  It’s not a feeling I care to have.  In fact, it can take a flying leap off a cliff and never come back.  That’s how much I don’t care for the feeling.  I have so many emotions sitting there boiling inside that I don’t know if I should laugh, cry, scream, or hide.  When asked what is wrong, I don’t have an answer.  How do you describe the feelings that are going on inside when you don’t know what’s happening yourself?

I’ve tried to problem solve.  I’ve attempted to discover the triggers and trace my steps in hopes of figuring this out.  The only thing I keep coming back to is that I haven’t been escaping.  I don’t mean leaving town for a couple of days – although lounging on a tropical beach would be nice right about now – I mean becoming so engrossed in a project that all the hassles of life leave my mind.  That’s what painting does for me.  It allows me to forget about everything and just focus on what is being created in front of me.  I’m starting to miss it.  I haven’t picked up a brush for over a month due to my busy schedule and I feel it needs to be done soon to ease those mixed emotions I’m having.

I’ve written about art therapy before, more so my art therapy.  It’s something that works and is being utilized for cancer patients, mental health patients, drug and alcohol rehab patients, even inmates in jail.  The idea is that you have this creative outlet to release your feelings instead of letting things build up inside.

For Christmas, my husband, daughter, and I all received adult coloring books.  These things are so popular right now that you can find them in just about any store.  People use them for those moments they need to soothe their minds.  I’ve read where a friend’s wife has anxiety and as soon as she starts coloring in her book, that anxiety starts to diminish.  My husband has noticed a similar feeling.  He’s been escaping to his coloring book an hour before bed and he’s noticed a difference.  He feels calmer – all the struggles from the day are behind him and he can finally relax.

For me, I’ve tried coloring.  I used to enjoy it immensely when I was younger.  Shading and blending colors to make dimension was enjoyable to me.  I’ve picked up my coloring book from Christmas, pens in hand, and it’s just not the same.  I’ve got five minutes in me before I get bored or become too tired to continue.  I want to be there – engrossed in a book, coloring, shading and blending; however my heart lies with my paints.

We each have our own way of escaping.  Some may color.  Some may exercise.  Some may even leave on a vacation.  Whatever your outlet is, just do it.  You’ll feel like a better person.

Tomorrow, I’m grabbing my paints.