For the last few months, I have been in the process of buying a new swimsuit. It has been the scariest piece of clothing to buy for me. At times I like the modesty a one piece can provide. Yet, I am still young enough to pull off a two piece. Without fail, I find a suit I like and it doesn’t fit, or even worse, my fear starts to take over.
What am I afraid of? Showing off my body? Yes, of course! I’ve gained a few pounds and I definitely see it. However that’s not my biggest fear.
With my mastectomies and reconstruction surgeries, I developed the side effect of numbness. I simply cannot feel the small sensations or the temperature outside. In the “good old days” I knew when it was a tad bit nippley outside by what the thermometer (aka nipples) measured. I would know when I got brushed up against in a crowded room or when my husband decided to cop a feel. Nowadays, those are harder to feel. I can feel the pressure of my implants if my chest is bumped hard enough. If I touch my own chest, I could tell you my implants are cold. Other than that, nothing!
That numbness scares me to no end. Why would a little numbness cause so much fear? I’m afraid of jumping into the water and coming up with my swimsuit top down at my waist, showing off my boobs for all to see. There it is in a nutshell. The real fear is not feeling anything when the swimsuit adjusts itself. The fear is me sitting at the waterpark, minutes going by before anyone alerts me to my mishap. You hear of numerous celebrities having nipple slips, but they tend to be much more aware than I could ever be. Thankfully, I am not a celebrity with paparazzi following my every move.
This fear transfers to my clothing choices as well. I almost always wear my sports bra, leaving me feeling confident the girls are confined. I dare not ever venture into wearing a tube top or a strapless bra. The fear is there – there is no way I would know if the top fell down below my chest unless I looked down.
I am adamant about steering clear of strapless tops or triangle bikinis. My husband may miss those triangle bikinis most of all, but my fear is too big. I am not an exhibitionist and would die a slow death (figuratively) if I ever became one because I cannot feel the fabric moving down my boobs. The fear is real!
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