Woman to Fiance: Why Can’t I Have My Own Bedroom? It’s a Luxury I’ve Been Wanting All My Life

“Forty-one percent of those in a relationship would leave their partner if they didn’t allow them to have ‘me-time,’ according to recent research by One Poll in collaboration with Elements Massage. “Eighty-two percent report that getting the proper amount of ‘me-time’ actually makes their relationship stronger, with 58 percent saying they actively encourage their partners to spend time by themselves.”

For this woman who recently posted her and her fiance’s story on Reddit’s popular r/AmItheA–hole forum, what she wanted was not the usual “me time,” which may be an hour or so alone or going out with friends. To her fiance’s surprise, she wanted her own bedroom just when they were about to move in together.

With the username u/_throwaway_1_3_5_7_9, she wrote: “I (24F) and my fiancé (25M) are moving into a small 3-bedroom house together in a couple of months. I had never had my own room growing up and share a room with a roommate in my current living situation to save up money. I always felt the need to share and felt guilty when I wanted to be alone in my room but couldn’t since someone else was there. The only time I had a room all to myself was when my roommate or sibling was away. Even so, I didn’t feel like I truly had a room to myself.”

When the couple started discussing the use of the spare room in their soon-to-be home, OP mentioned her yearning for a room of her own when she needed some “me time.” However, her fiance couldn’t understand why she had this kind of need. He was looking forward to having a gym at home, while the second room would be his office.

OP continued to relate in the post, “I argued that he already has a claim over one of the spare rooms, and I should be allowed to use the other one for myself. I told him that I was looking forward to having a space all to myself, where I can be alone when I want and am the only person that has access to it. He argued that the point of moving in together was to share everything with each other and not just coexist in the same space.”

The argument went on, with her fiance finally offering a compromise to turn the spare bedroom into a guest room that the two of them could use when they wanted time to be alone.

But OP was hesitant, because she felt like she would still be sharing a room. In her mind, should her fiance feel a need to be alone, all she had to do was move to her own bedroom and give him all the space he needed.

Besides, they had agreed to share expenses 50/50; that’s why OP felt that it was just fair to have her own bedroom. Was she wrong?

Some of the AITA members found her boyfriend’s behavior “controlling.” But others thought that her boyfriend’s surprrised reaction was just natural since it is a common practice for couples moving in together to want to share their lives together and not have separate rooms. According to OP, she wanted to be the only person to have access to her own bedroom — no intruders. It was kind of weird in the point of view of some commenters.

From anneofred: “I also wouldn’t jump to controlling – while I feel she deserves her own room to do what she likes since he has his office, her wanting a separate bedroom isn’t wrong but also isn’t exactly a social/cultural norm. I can see his confusion, so it just needs further discussion and examples of couples this works for. A lot of people view coupledom as full sharing, but so often this isn’t reality for every little thing – people get their own things. Just because this is what everyone else does doesn’t mean we can’t do something different. Different isn’t bad.”

Froom Creative_Radish_3513: “I think the reason is because OP has never had a bedroom all to themselves, so this is more about fulfilling an unmet need/desire from childhood and beyond. Being able to have a space that is entirely yours can be incredibly comforting, especially for someone who never had such a privilege growing up, and calling it a ‘bedroom’ is speaking to finally fulfilling that desire.”

From go_katy_go: “These are underrated comments. I feel like the reference to a space ‘that only I have access to’ is being overlooked. Like what, is she literally locking the door when she leaves? I can understand wanting to have a space to go to and be alone (though it’s 100% not my vibe 🤣), and I can also understand wanting a level of ownership, say, for how it looks (decorating my own place post-divorce was so much fun!!!), but it’s the ‘only access’ that’s throwing up a WTF marker for me. Imagine if a guy said he wanted a ‘mancave’ that not only catered to his interests and let him be alone at times, but specifically that only he had access to. The replies would be very different, I think.”

From Charliesmum97: “99% of the time in relationship-type posts, it comes down to ‘is the couple communicating effectively?’ If she explains to him what she said here, that she’s never had her own space and would like to have that option, and he says ‘okay, I get it, let’s do it.’ then cool. Good talk. If he goes on to say ‘well, I think that’s dumb, so no,’ then she knows there’s more here then just ‘what to do with the spare room.’ Alternately, if she never actually TELLS him her feelings on the matter and just concedes and is then bitter about it, that’s going eat away at the relationship. OP needs to tell fiance what she said here. Fiance needs to listen.”